How not to make a hamburger!


Usually I post recipes and photos of step by step directions on how to make food. This is a public service announcement on how not to make hamburgers inside your kitchen.

First, do not make them inside if your kitchen is freshly painted and all the cabinet doors are NOT re-hung.

Second, do not allow your husband, who is known to set off smoke alarms while cooking, cook burgers in your house.

Third, do not allow your husband to show you an article he found in a men’s magazine (NOT that kind) that tells how to make the best burger and then follow those instructions.

What went down is my husband, Phil, who is a great guy and knows how to grill our burgers to perfection, wanted to try out this new method he found. I’m all for letting someone else do the cooking now and then but this was a disaster and he would agree. I have to stop here and say the burgers were good but not excellent and worth this kind of hassle.

The directions said to heat a cast iron skillet on high heat for 5 minutes, which caused my pan to smoke so much that the first smoke alarm went off, it was in the kitchen. Next you add the ball of meat to the hot pan-meat full of fat and such and causes more smoke and grease to fly. Second smoke alarm is now beeping in my bedroom, next to the kitchen. Then you flip the ball and smoosh down sending more grease flying and smoking to increase because the heat is still on high. The third alarm begins to beep, hallway location, and by now the windows have been opened and all ceiling fans are on high. The dog is suffering and my son is removing batteries as fast as possible. Smoke is pouring out of the windows, which if you stepped outside of the house, you would see this. We had 4 alarms beeping until the batteries were removed, the grease and smoke was in abundance and all the spice jars, boxes and bottles in the cabinet above and next to the stove are now covered in grease since the doors were not hung there that night.

I have a lot of clean up now. My husband did clean the stove and counters and the floor. I had to mop the floor or else we would have sustained injuries. We had begun with one burger and since we were committed we finished all 4 that way. Like I said, they were good but not excellent. Next time we stick to the grill or use a lid and lower heat. I hope you learn from our mistakes.

Happy cooking!

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